More About Me

My Story I was born in San Jose on Jan 14th, 1978. My life was going great until I got really sick. My mom took me to the doctor and he sent me home saying that I had a little cold. She took me again and they still sent me home and then gave me medicine. She kept on taking me to see the doctor and they kept sending me home. Then one day my neck got really stiff and my eyes rolled back in my head. My mom rushed me in again and the doctor then ordered a spinal tap. That doctor saved my life. When people don’t listen it can have fatal consequences on your life. If my doctors didn’t listen to my parents I probably wouldn’t be here today. It was then discovered I had meningitis. I was only 18 months old. Itis means swelling on the brain. It is an infection of the outer covering of the brain and spinal cord. I was told I had bacterial meningitis. How I got it is unknown. I was in a coma for 7 weeks. When I came out of the coma I had to learn everything again. I also was blind in the coma for a while because of the swelling on the brain. I was also paralyzed on my left side of my body. My nervous system was affected so I take medication because I have really bad spasticity all over my body. That is movements out of my control. When I became of school age I had learning disabilities. In school I was teased by everyone. I became ashamed to talk about meningitis. I think I still am, but this is who I am and I can’t take it away from me. I had friends but they were curious to know why I shook all the time but I was never comfortable to talk about it. I was never comfortable telling and they were never comfortable asking. So we never brought it up. The kids found other ways to express what they wanted to know. Kids who I thought were my friends made me do things that I didn’t want to do. I think kids made fun of me because they were embarrassed to ask. My teachers said I would never graduate. If only they could see me now and what I have accomplished. Junior High was the worst time in my life. And this was the time in my life that my spastisity was the worst in my life. I couldn’t read because I was shaking so much. I felt like it was out of control. I went to the doctor and he prescribed artane to make me stop shake or shake less. The teasing wouldn’t stop and I felt pretty close to ending my life. In high school I went on one of those little buses. I didn’t like it because I thought it didn’t make me look cool, whatever. So then one day I decided I would take the regular public bus to school. So I walked to the bus and got on. I didn’t realize all the buses went different ways so we went a totally different way then where my school was. I thought OMG we are going the wrong way. I got off after a long thought of maybe it would turn around. Of course, it didn’t. I was far away from my school and now I will have to pay for it by walking a couple miles. I thought about calling someone (this was before they had cell phones) there were pay phones. I thought I better pretend like nothing happened and I kept walking. I thought about just giving up and just sitting on the side of the road and maybe crying but I kept walking. Soon I got to my school but when I was just across the street a cop car comes up to me. He gets out and says, “Why aren’t you in school?” I was really mad. Where the heck was this cop 10 blocks ago. I was tired and didn’t really feel like sitting in a cop car driving across the street to the school. I didn’t really want to hear anything. He put me in his cop car and I started crying. “I was almost there,” I thought. I was so close, and now I’m going to jail. I had tons of thoughts going through my mind. Its never good when you think you are going to jail. But he didn’t take me to jail. He only put me in the back of his cop car. I ended up making only 2 of the 6 classes I had that day. It wasn’t even worth going to school that day. But I learned a good lesson. Research whatever you want to do and don’t assume things are going to go your way. And most importantly I never gave up. Another time I was at swim practice. I noticed people in wheelchairs practicing basketball next to the pool I was in. I was curious so I walked into the gym. The coach there saw me and said it was a wheelchair basketball team and that they practice every Saturday afternoon. I was thrilled to find a team that I could participate in. She invited me to play and told me I could borrow a chair to play in. Not only was there wheelchair basketball but there was a swim team too. I signed up to swim and play wheelchair basketball. The wheelchair team, which was called Wheels on Fire, played basketball and had several tournaments to go to. They also went to several swim meets including one in San Diego. I loved Wheels on Fire because it was the first time I didn’t feel like I had to hide my disability. Because there were others like me, I felt comfortable and could be myself. I practiced swimming so much that in my high school years my wheels on fire coach thought I was ready to compete and practice on my high school team. It really boosted my self esteem when I went on the team. I felt like I could do anything and I was so happy. Swimming on a team was hard. I just wanted to swim to be like everyone else. Soon I graduated high school and then went to a junior college. I took some test to see where I belonged. I didn’t do that well on that day for some reason. The lady there said I wouldn’t be able to go to college anymore sense I failed that test. I was crushed and started crying and ran out of the room. My mom told me not to give up and enrolled me in another college where I excelled and graduated with a Liberal Arts degree. Then I transferred to Cal State San Marcos. I had to take classes sometimes twice but I made it and graduated with a BA in Human Development. A lot of people said I would never graduate high school but I did. A lot of people said I would never graduate junior college but I did. I don’t know why people tell me things and say I can’t do something. It just makes me want to do things even harder. I want to prove them wrong. I even got a poem published in a book. I kept on trying to do publish something and maybe they got tired and said fine. The point is that I never gave up. I didn’t want to just sit on the side of the road. It might have been hard but I did it.

Meningitis

Its what I had. I don't like to say it although people could probably tell that I have something. Something, but they don't have to know what it is. When I was younger I never wanted to tell people about meningitis. The more I didn't tell them the easier it was not to. It became awkward to tell people and awkward not to. Now I've grown up and learned how comfortable it is not to tell people. How do I tell people and make them understand? Will they still want to be friends if they know? I feel really scared when I begin to ask myself these questions. I hope people see me for who I am and understand me. I wish things were different sometimes but I know God has a plan and I have to trust him.

Its funny how you can remember some things but some things you can't. I got sick when I was 18 monthes old but I can't remember getting sick. I can remember doing things because I had meningitis but actually back then it was just considered as fun. It was therapy and I had to do every week. Although, some of it was fun, some of it hurt me and I started to not like it the more I grew up. So I grew up hating
therapy. Growing up I never thought of myself as different except when other people told me that I was, either by teasing me or immitating me. I never really understood why people did that. I just ignored it because as a child I didn't know how to fight back, but when I grew up, I just never wanted to be in the presence of someone who would do that. I find it extremely embarrassing and don't want to tolerate it anymore.

Day Gone Bad

Day Gone Bad

It was a wonderful day at the beach with my friend. I love the beach. I also love boogie boarding. I didn’t know what kind of day it would turn into. I decided to go into the water and boogie board. My friend decided to stay on shore and just watch me. It was so fun catching the waves and ridding them in. The water wasn’t cold at all and was perfect for boogie boarding. Months earlier my cousins came over. They all were boogie boarding. I was scared to go out with them. My oldest cousin said it would be ok and took me out. It was really fun to go with her and I just had the best time. I had so much fun that months later I wanted to do it again. I went again with another friend but was hesitant to go really deep because she didn’t. Although, I was a little more confident that I could do it than before because I went with my cousin and I felt safe. Then this next time I went with yet another friend. I felt really confident that I could go boogie boarding by myself probably too confident. So I went out. It was fun but I noticed the ocean was shallow in one area and then deeper in others. It was hard to walk because at one point I would be walking and then I’d walk farther out and then I’d be sinking with I didn’t know of how far of a drop it would be. It was hard to walk then. I just didn’t really pay attention and kept on boogie boarding. At times I liked it because it was easy to stand after you came in off a wave. I looked over and saw little kids boogie boarding. Then my worst nightmare came true. I looked over and saw the biggest wave coming at me. I tried getting my board up but it was too late. The wave crashed over me and the next thing I remember is the worst headache I’ve ever felt in my whole life. My neck turned and I thought I broke my neck. I thought I was paralyzed. I told myself I have to get to shore. It was hard to get up and move. Finally I gained enough strength to get up. I tried running to shore. I remember hearing myself call out for help but my voice was muffled because my tongue was bit and my lips were cut and I saw a man race toward me. He sat me down and then my friend came over and I remember her saying, “OH MY GOD” I can’t imagine what she might have been thinking. She just kept saying, “I’m so sorry.” But my nose kept bleeding and it was so painful. The paramedics came and they wanted to put me in a neck brace. I did not want my neck in a brace. It was really scary because I remember last time I was in one of those I couldn’t move and felt claustrophobic and not in control of anything. But I know they were just trying to help me and looking back I did not want to make it harder on them. Finally they let me stay out of the brace and realized I did not need it. I sat there for a while, still and let them check me out. They finally realized I was in bad shock and just let me sit there for a while crying. I didn’t know at the time that I broke my nose and that’s why my nose was bleeding so much. It was bruised on the inside and on the outside. Plus, my mouth was cut pretty bad on my lip. I also think I must have bit my tongue because later on it was black. I thought my day would be fun but later on I got to see how my day of fun could have changed my whole life. I am lucky to even have functions that enable me to write this. After the paramedics cleaned me up, I thanked them and my friend called my dad to come get me cause I didn’t know how severe my injuries were that I could be driving home. All in all I learned a great lesson that day. It was my fault I got hurt because someone wasn’t in the water with me. My friend didn’t go in with me so I thought I was safe because she was watching me from the shore. Next time I will make sure I have someone to go in the water with me and maybe I will research the beaches a little more.

A Change in Me

A year ago I never knew this was possible. I kept praying to God that this would happen. And about 6 weeks ago it happened. Its my testemony that God does answer prayers. Of no fault of my own, one day I just stopped shaking. My spasticity went away. About 4 years ago I volunteered to help this organization called Ivey Ranch that helps developmentally disabled kids ride horses. There are many physiological and psychological benefits documented in people during interactions with animals. These include lowered blood pressure and heart rate, increased beta-endorphin levels, decreased stress levels, reduced feelings of anger, hostility, tension and anxiety, improved social functioning, and increased feelings of empowerment, trust, patience and self-esteem. The horses also help people with coordination.
While I experienced it helping others I never knew the horse therapy could help me as well. It not only helps children with the things I mentioned above but it also helps adults with developmental disabilities as well. I had meningitis when I was 18 monthes and have balancing issues. The horse helps correct my balance and helps with my posture. But most importantly the horse takes my spasticity away and makes me more relaxed in my movements. I don't know how they do it. They are amazing creatures. I start ridding and I instantly become more relaxed. Its like magic. Its a miracle and I am finally cured. Medication couldn't do it but horses can. God answered my prayers. Life is finally good. And I am greatful.

I made it so far

My name is Denise Rouffaer and I want to write a story to tell everyone that if a person has a disability out there that they can make it in this world but they may just have different obstacles that get in their way. All my life I was told I would never succeed. When I was 18 months old I contracted meningitis. I was in a coma for 7 weeks. When I came out of it my parents were told I would never walk. Meningitis effects the outer layer of the brain known as the meningies. When this happens, the bacteria infects and creates swelling on the brain. The term itis means swelling or inflamation of some body part. After this happened, I was to learn all of what I lost again. Bits and peices of bacteria from the meningitis was scattered all over my brain, some of it was nerve damage, another part was short term memory loss. All the doctors told my parents that one leg would be shorter than the other because one side of my body was paralyzed. I went to therapy and regained most of the of my limbs that they told my parents couldn't work anymore. Sooner or later my legs and arms got stronger and today I can swim a mile. When I went to school there was another challenge I had to face. I was in special education classes most of my life only mainstreamed into the regular classes the rest of the time. I remember all through my life other kids teasing me about how I walked and because of the nerve damage I had I would have spasticity all throughout the day and kids would call me earthquake all the time. I remember crying because I could not stop it. Kids were just mean. Then in Junior High I joined a sports team called Wheels on Fire, which is a sports team for the physically disabled. My self esteam went up and I began to feel good about myself. There were other kids on that team with physical disabilities just like me. I felt good. I was on the swim team, baseketball team, tennis team and played archery. It was great. I swam so much that my wheels on fire coach thought I was good enough to swim on my able bodied high school swim team. That was a really fun time in my life. I even made it to college. I have now graduated with a BA in Human Development and am looking for a job right now. I am here to tell everyone that even though there may be things in life that hinder you or get in your way nothing would ever stop me from getting a diploma. Thats all I wanted and I got it. If I can do it anyone can and nothing could have ever stepped in my way. I have one now and no one could ever take that away.

My name is Denise Rouffaer and I want to write a story to tell everyone that if a person has a disability out there that they can make it in this world but they may just have different obstacles that get in their way. All my life I was told I would never succeed. When I was 18 months old I contracted meningitis. I was in a coma for 7 weeks. When I came out of it my parents were told I would never walk. Meningitis effects the outer layer of the brain known as the meningies. When this happens, the bacteria infects and creates swelling on the brain. The term itis means swelling or inflamation of some body part. After this happened, I was to learn all of what I lost again. Bits and peices of bacteria from the meningitis was scattered all over my brain, some of it was nerve damage, another part was short term memory loss. All the doctors told my parents that one leg would be shorter than the other because one side of my body was paralyzed. I went to therapy and regained most of the of my limbs that they told my parents couldn't work anymore. Sooner or later my legs and arms got stronger and today I can swim a mile. When I went to school there was another challenge I had to face. I was in special education classes most of my life only mainstreamed into the regular classes the rest of the time. I remember all through my life other kids teasing me about how I walked and because of the nerve damage I had I would have spasticity all throughout the day and kids would call me earthquake all the time. I remember crying because I could not stop it. Kids were just mean. Then in Junior High I joined a sports team called Wheels on Fire, which is a sports team for the physically disabled. My self esteam went up and I began to feel good about myself. There were other kids on that team with physical disabilities just like me. I felt good. I was on the swim team, baseketball team, tennis team and played archery. It was great. I swam so much that my wheels on fire coach thought I was good enough to swim on my able bodied high school swim team. That was a really fun time in my life. I even made it to college. I have now graduated with a BA in Human Development and am looking for a job right now. I am here to tell everyone that even though there may be things in life that hinder you or get in your way nothing would ever stop me from getting a diploma. Thats all I wanted and I got it. If I can do it anyone can and nothing could have ever stepped in my way. I have one now and no one could ever take that away.

When I Kneel Before You

I will kneel before you
You will see at me at the gate.
I will be wearing a white robe when I get there.
I can hardly wait.
I have to ask you all these questions
And I know you will explain every little word
I need you to answer me
I need to be heard.
What is complex to me.
Is easy for you.
But thank you for caring in all that we do.
I pray every night to you as I call out your name.
Because we are all human and don’t do things the same.
Every religion says they are the truth.
I’ve grown up with me knowing the right way to believe
All through my youth.
Its hard to know you when I stumble and fall.
Its hard to tell others to break down their wall.
I believe in you is easy to say.
I will let nothing ever stand in my way.

Denise Rouffaer

About Me

Greatest life lesson is perseverance for student who survived meningitis

By Triveni Sheshadri
TODAY'S LOCAL NEWS

April 18, 2008

SAN MARCOS – It's been almost 30 years since Denise Rouffaer was struck by bacterial meningitis. Its effects are evident to this day. The illness left Rouffaer with learning disabilities, trouble with short-term memory, tremors, impaired speech and problems with her gait.

But the San Marcos resident has let none of that stand in the way of her pursuit of a college degree. Rouffaer is now a senior majoring in human development at Cal State San Marcos.

“The four-year college is going to take me more than four years,” she said. “But I am very, very happy to be there.”

Rouffaer, who grew up in the San Jose area, contracted bacterial meningitis when she was 18 months old. Her left side was paralyzed, and she remained in a coma for seven weeks. When she came out of it, she had to learn to sit up, crawl, walk and talk all over again.

Meningitis is an infection of the membranes surrounding the brain and the spinal cord. It can be caused by bacterial, viral or fungal infection. Bacterial meningitis can be fatal, and survivors often suffer paralysis, mental impairment and seizures.

When Rouffaer, 30, began school, she was in a combination of mainstream and special-education classes. She always found herself on the fringes of the friendships that flourished in class and on the playground. She was often on the receiving end of bullying and teasing.

“They called me 'Earthquake' because of my tremors,” she recalled.

Rouffaer tried her best to be like the other kids, attempting to run track with her physical education class. She fell often and injured herself. “Things I did when I was little in order to fit in (were) shocking,” Rouffaer said. “I so wanted to fit in, I think I would have done just about anything.”

When Rouffaer came home crying over something that had happened in school, her mother encouraged her to write about her thoughts and feelings. Over time, the journal became a friend and confidant to pour out her triumphs, joys, sadness and frustrations. She began writing poetry and continues that today.

Growing up, Rouffaer always wanted to emulate her older brother. She learned to swim and to ride the bicycle in spite of several falls and visits to the emergency room.

“It was her stubbornness that got her through a lot,” said her mother, Karen Rouffaer.

In junior high school, Rouffaer became involved in a sports league for youths with disabilities. She swam, played wheelchair basketball and tried her hand at skiing and water skiing. For the first time, Rouffaer said she felt accepted.

“We didn't talk about our disabilities,” Rouffaer said. “I made friends. They helped me a lot with my self esteem and showed me sportsmanship.”

Harry Garcia, Rouffaer's PE teacher in high school, remembers a kind and compassionate young woman. As he lay in a hospital bed after donating a kidney to his ailing daughter, the phone rang. It was Rouffaer calling to find out how he was doing.

“It made me feel that much better,” Garcia said. “She called me every day and let me know what was going on in school.”

He is not surprised she is on the college path.

“I expected her to be. She works very hard; she is very focused,” he said.

After graduating from high school, Rouffaer attended community college near San Jose. When her father's job brought the family to San Marcos, she earned an associate degree from Palomar College and enrolled in Cal State San Marcos.

Rouffaer has found it helpful to work in study groups. She has a note taker in class and often tapes lectures. Because of her difficulties with short-term memory, she has to study the same material over and over again.

“She is very upset when she fails a class,” her mother said. “It breaks her heart, but she doesn't quit. She goes back and takes the class again.”

Rouffaer said she hopes eventually to work with abused children and those with disabilities.

“I could never stay home and not do anything,” she said. “Despite everything I have been through, I feel ready for what I want to do.”

My Life

My life right now is great. I just finished college last December and right now I've been looking for a job. I just got an interview. If it doesn't work out I will just look as it as another experience. It is at a clothing store called Coldwater Creek. It is close to home and am really excited for what could happen. Even though, its not a career its experience I need for another job that I will get later in my life. I am very excited for this opportunity. Even if I don't get this job, I will be happy for the interviewing practice. But I am hoping to get it.

My Life Right

No Voice

I may not talk in words that are easy to hear.
It may come out in jumbles that aren’t always clear.
I use gestures and other ways.
I communicate through my hands and my blank gaze.
I love life and am often confined.
These are the walls I put up and hide behind.
In this world I have got to find my place
Sometimes it is gone.
And then I get mixed up and can’t seem to belong.
I don’t seem to know the right way to go.
And sometimes I can loose all since of control.
I need someone to keep me focused and I will need someone’s protection.
I will need someone to keep me going and point me in the right direction.
I needed to accomplish little things to get where I am
I sometimes say things and nobody will understand.
I think the angels gave me to the right person
You are the one they picked.
The angels knew you would never give up
They knew you would never quit.
Life keeps going even if some things might get out of hand.
The angels put you here for a reason its all what they had planned.
They brought me to you for a reason to chance something that you didn’t have before
They brought me to you to open another door.
The angels were calling your sweet name
Reminding you that your life will never be the same.

Denise Rouffaer

Getting there

I have just graduated from Cal State San Marcos. I never thought I would make it this far. It has been quite a journey. I loved the ride but I'd get so frustrated with why I was so slow in getting there. I am so grateful to share it with all of my friends. I love them so much. I've had so many obstacles in my life. I've had meningitis and that is one of the hugest obstacle in the world that I've had to tackle. I don't know what my life would have been like if I didn't have meningitis but it has made me stronger and I am a better person because of it.

Still Getting There

When my life isn't perfect
And things are not done my way,
I just need to remind myself that I will get there some day.
I need to get out of this place that I have been.
I need some kind of direction
When I wanted to win.
My life is turning
And I don't know which way to go.
But I'm standing still as I try to gain control.
People tell me I must move on
I try to be brave and pretend to be strong.
Its a hard thing to do when there is no one around.
I have fallen in the darkest hole and need someone to help me off the ground.
You were there to save me.
Someone was there to listen.
Because I just wanted someone to listen.
It hurts and I don't know where to turn.
Because someone has to help me up
Even if it is hard to learn.
I'm ok, I think
People say I just need to give it time.

Denise Rouffaer

Getting Through This

Getting Through This

I don’t really know how to get there from here.
I just need to know how I can get there.
This is just the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
But I will also need a little help from you.
People try and help but I don’t know which way to go.
And it is so hard not to loose all since of control.
I can’t really help it because this is how I feel.
My pain comes and goes and it is quite real.
Some days will be fine but people tell me I need to move on.
But its so hard when I feel this way because I need to be strong.
I want to keep on going and pretend that I am fine
But inside I’m hurting and that goes on all the time.
When will this end?
I need to know.
I need another type of closure to tell me where he did go.
I want to stop feeling this way
Please help me get out of this feeling I feel today.
Because I need to keep going in a life that doesn’t slow down
I am still hurting inside because he is just not around.
Sometimes I sit and just call out his name
Because in my life it has to keep going even if no one can stop my pain.
I just want my pain to leave its here day after day.
Why won’t it ever leave and when will it go away?
I need to think of other things.
I wanted to say more but could think of anything else to say.
Its not fair that he had to leave me this way.
I want some answers as I look at the sky.
But its too late to go back and no one wants me to know why.
Why did he leave me its not fair
This thing in life is just getting harder and harder for me to bare.
I want to find answers but no one can see.
Why is this thing in life so hard for me?
Denise Rouffaer

Where Can I Turn?

Where Can I Turn?

What is waiting for me as this might be the lesson I learn
When will I get better and where can I turn
Life has many lessons
I want to see.
But all the answers are out of my reach
They are not in front of me.
I want to get answers as I begin to find,
But some are harder than others
They are easy to hide behind.
I need to find them
I need to search
I am struggling with answers and have made a turn for the worst.
All I want to do is get on the right track
God wants me there and he doesn’t want me to look back.
He is leading me on a path and now I must go.
But I may get lost somewhere and find myself out of control.
He knows I might get steered the wrong way,
But I know I will get there and make it ok.
I know He is the greatest thing and He has a much bigger plan
There are always going to be things in life I can’t fully understand.
Help me understand please
I can’t do this without someone there.
All I ask is that you be aware.
Aware that I’m hurting
I can’t let anyone see.
I only hope that he was proud of me.

7-9-09 Denise Rouffaer

I Will Be Praying

I will be praying

I will be saying a little prayer for you tonight
Because life might not go perfect but its going to be alright.
I will be thinking of you day by day
Reminding you that you are going to be ok.
I look at you for a long while.
You are as bright as a star and make me smile.
There are days when life seems like its not on your side and you might ask yourself why.
That’s when you need me the most when it looks like you can’t try.
I’ll be there even on your worst day.
I’ll be there when things might not go your way.
I’ve seen all the places you’ve been
Even on your worst days when you think you just couldn’t win.
There are days when you won’t want to hold anyone’s hand.
That’s when I’ll be there for you because you’ll need someone to help you understand.
There are times when all we can do is pray.
That is when we have to be the strongest when things might not go your way.
I say this from my heart
Life gets a little bumpy sometimes but that may only be a start.
You can do this
I know you can
God is looking down on us and he has a bigger plan
So when life isn’t perfect please look up at the sky.
I’m only there to encourage you even if you start to cry.
It will be the only thing I have from above.
The strength I got from Him is rapped in His love.

6-8-09
Denise Rouffaer

Time Will Heal Me

Time Will Heal Me

I need some answers when I begin to ask why
But I don’t want anyone to see me if I begin to cry.
I needed to say something but couldn’t find the right word.
I was trying to understand something that I heard.
I missed my chance and needed to say.
But I could never get the words to come out the right way.
People try to tell me things that I will never quite understand.
But things never seem to go exactly as I planned.
I want to thank them but can’t seem to get there.
And I don’t want people to think that I just don’t care.
I want people to know that I appreciate them and all that they try and do.
I just don’t know how to feel and its all pretty knew.
I just don’t know how anyone that goes through this is supposed to act
And I’m just trying to keep in tact.
I don’t know if I can focus for a long while
And its hard to keep my head up and its even hard to smile.
I loved him with all my heart
And in my mind we will never be apart.
Denise Rouffaer

Thanks

Thanks

I wanted to say thanks to all my friends
You were there when I needed you most.
Its nice I can depend on you
Its been hard for me to carry on
I’m trying to deal with things and I pretend to be strong.
Inside I’m hurting
I just want him back.
But God doesn’t make mistakes
He kept him on track.
He made us have tears and I have to weep
It keeps me up at night and sometimes its hard to sleep.
Its hard to keep going and I don’t like to complain
But its hard to keep going I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.
It hurts inside me
Will this pain go away?
It is here in the morning and day after day.
I need to remember.
All I want to do is write my thoughts down.
But the words can’t make you come back.
I just want you to be around.
Denise Rouffaer

The Angels Are With You

The Angels Are With You Now

Please help me as I try and understand.
I hear your voice but cannot hold your hand.
You are not here
And I am really sad.
Its hard to keep on going and at times I get really mad.
I want to see you
I want to hug you again
But some things in life aren’t easy for me to understand.
You were the greatest man I could ever know.
And people try to give me comfort as they tell me where you might go.
Its not fair that you had to leave when there was just too much more for me to say.
And it takes a great deal for me to carry on with my day.
I guess they needed an angel in heaven, just one more.
The angels were calling you to join them
And you were ready to knock on their door.
I wanted some answers as I looked toward the sky.
Because its hard to talk to people
I don’t want them to see me cry.
I don’t want to be with anyone
I just want to scream out loud.
I hope I made an impression on you and made you proud.
You were a good man
You have seen where I’ve been
Even on my worst days you were there when I just couldn’t win.
Thanks for being there when I was little and got sick
It was comforting to know you were by my side.
You saw me through my schooling and saw how hard I tried.
Because I wasn’t like every other kid and you didn’t care.
I would always hold your hand because you were always there.
I want you to know that God had a plan for me and you were it.
He saw that I could do anything and taught me never to quit.
You will be in my heart always and forever.
You were there to talk to even on my worst day
You just were there to make everything ok
I wish I knew how to be a little stronger.
All I wanted is to be with him a little longer.
When people see me I try not to fall apart.
But you will always be a person that is close to my heart.
I am proud of you and the life you have lead.
And I would never have wanted any other grandpa instead.

Gordon Sinclair Aug. 1, 1921-May 18, 2009
I miss you grandpa
5-18-09Denise Rouffaer